Can I give my computer this cold? The ridiculous thought passes through my mind as I open up my laptop.
Why are you showing up in my dreams? I thought we settled this a long time ago. But there you were, a fresh reminder of my childhood innocence and aspirations. Oh the dreams I had! Said dreams were almost as ridiculous as my thinking I could pass this horrid cold on to my laptop. I dreamt an invisible man would come save me from my childhood home and confusion. Oddly enough, on some level, I thought that a physical man would do the same. But when the shit hit the fan I looked around and there was no one but myself to rely on. No one was going to save me if I didn’t woman up and do it myself. Some days I am so thankful that I had to land on my own two feet that I can’t express it in words. How easily I could have turned into a co-dependent creature allowing others to tromp all over me. Other days I mourn for my lost childhood, my lost innocence. Neither can be regained now.
But seeing your face in my dreams reminded me of how simple I thought life could be. I could just pray to an invisible man, cook for a real man, marry, have all his babies, and live happily ever after. How different from the reality of being courted by liars who are already married, controllers who want to direct your every move, abusers who enjoy shaking or smacking women around, or fair weather lovers who can’t handle the reality of real life relationships. Why would I ever think of making any of them the father to my future hypothetical children? It would be like knocking a manic-bi-polar woman up and then being surprised when she screws your child’s head up and uses them as a weapon against you. Duh! Pregnancy doesn’t suddenly make a crazy person sane. Fatherhood is not a cure-all either. And if you share a child you run a pretty large risk of having to associate with that person for the rest of your life. Grandma always said the best form of birth control was an aspirin, keep it between your knees. Of course Momma always said you could still lean over. Thirty some years in I must be doing something right.
I can see the judgment that would film over your eyes if you were to read this. Or maybe that is just the judgment of my childhood self being shown through your dark brown eyes. Neither knows the person that I have come to be. The child me only communicates in my dreams leaving our interactions rather one sided. You disappeared long ago. Blessings on you and your life. Happiness to you and your wife.
wow. nice stuff. obviously you’ved worked a great deal to get where you are. bravo.
as for the writing itself: great stirring of emotions and nice imagery.
on a personal note: loved the sayings from grandma & mom; even funnier that I knew them both and could truly hear them say it.
Glad you enjoyed. I find that the truth is usually more entertaining than anything I could make up in my imagination. Of course after a few nights of nyquil my imagination is getting kinda crazy!